“What if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise”?
It all started 3 years ago when I popped in an old VHS from a family vacation when I was about 9. Our oldest daughter was approaching 8 and I wanted to see what I was like when I was her age. I had no idea what can of worms I was opening; that this decision was going to be the catalyst for immense pain, delayed grief, validation, awakening, relationship changes, exponential personal growth and ultimately is getting me closer to my purpose.
You may have heard my favorite quote by Maya Angelou “ People will forget what you said, People will forget what you did, but People will never forget how you made them feel”. As I was watching that tape, the feelings of 9 year old Janene that I suppressed to protect from years of trauma due to living in a home with an alcoholic mother and emotional and physical abuse, paired with abandonment issues inflicted by my biological Father, came rushing in—sadness, comparison, not being enough, and anger were accompanied by sobbing.
For as long as I can remember, I was told by my mother, that the memories, and specifically how I remembered them were incorrect. She would use words like “it wasn’t that bad” or “that never happened” but here I was seeing it with my own 35 year old eyes, in the comfort of a safe space that Zach and I have created. Through the eyes of a smart, accomplished woman, wife and mother that is capable of developing and maintaining longstanding healthy relationships. I was validated, however I couldn’t help but think about the decades before that I had questioned myself. If I couldn’t interpret my day to day home life and interactions correctly, how could I possibly make good decisions, how could I have ever trusted myself?? That’s really why the sobbing was taking place—I was grieving for my inner child. I had the luxury of seeing her on the screen. I just wanted to hug her and tell her she was right and that she was going to use all of this—that she was going use these challenges to her advantage. That she will become an incredible partner, Mother and badass business woman.
Oh and she’s going to use all of that to help little girls (including her own) just like her by creating a space where they can be supported and loved, because children who have access to adults in their life for support and nourishment seem to display the most resilience, regardless of what’s going on at home.
My hope in sharing is to create an environment of safety for others to accelerate their healing. Because, a wonderful life can include tremendous sadness and pain—that doesn’t take away from the beautiful life.
Emmery Age 3
Leighton Age 3
Share on Facebook
Share on Twitter
March 20, 2019
Breaking the Cycle--Addiction
March 13, 2019
NOT ALL CHICKEN AND RICE SOUP RECIPES ARE CREATED EQUAL---A MUST TRY